Relationships (or even finding the right person to have a relationship with) can be pretty complicated. To make it work, you have to have something in common, you need to be able to communicate, and there must be some special chemistry going on.
Oh, and of course you should consider his credit score, savings and how he handles his cash, right?
It might not sound terribly romantic, but when it comes to relationships, money matters. It might even matter more than just about anything else. Case in point: A recent poll released by the Bank of Montreal found that people were more likely to forgive a cheating spouse than they were to get over money problems in their marriage. And the top reason for divorce? Money.
So how can you ensure you find the right match not only for your personality but for your financial values and goals? Here we’ll take a look at the factors that contribute to a successful financial partnership (and a romantic one, too!)…
How to make love and money co-exist:
Trust
You probably know that trust is an important factor in a successful relationship. A poll of 1,000 married Americans by OnePoll.com found that trust was the second most important factor to a happy relationship over the long haul. When it comes to money, the same applies. But you can’t just implicitly trust your partner’s money-management skills. Real trust comes from getting to know and respect each other’s habits, goals and values. So, while savers often marry spenders (opposites really do attract!), the key to a happy and financially healthy ever-after is ensuring that each trusts the other to maintain a comfortable middle ground.
Communication
That, of course, brings us to another key factor for financially happy coupledom: communication. This part isn’t easy. In fact, experts say that money is one of the toughest subjects to talk about, because it’s tied to our emotions, and our need for power and a sense of control. For new couples especially, there’s also the fear of being judged too harshly for the debt you racked up in college, for example, or the (slightly obscene) value of your shoe collection. But whether you’re planning a wedding, buying a house or hoping to raise a family, you’ll find that money is woven in to every major step of any long-term relationship. That makes it pretty hard to ignore if you aim to get along.
Honesty
Maybe you’d never think of cheating on your spouse, but there’s another kind of infidelity that can erode your relationship – and your finances – as quickly as a one-night stand. It’s called financial infidelity, but you probably know it better as those little (or maybe not so little) money secrets you keep from your significant other. A 2012 survey of online users by Today.com and Self magazine found that nearly half of those surveyed had lied to a significant other about money. The most common transgression was among women, who lied about their shopping or how much they’d spent.
A secret shopping trip might seem like nothing more than a little white lie, but 60 percent of those surveyed saw it as a form of cheating. Clearly, hiding bad financial habits of any kind from your partner isn’t just bad for your bank account. Plus, those secret purchases often come with a hefty dose of guilt – not to mention anger and resentment from your spouse if he or she finds out what you’ve been up to.
Comprehension
Okay, so you know you should talk about money. In fact, when a relationship gets serious, you should be sharing your earnings, debts and savings, as well as swapping financial philosophies and investing goals. But you know what makes doing all that a whole lot easier? Actually having the terminology and background to carry on a real conversation.
So let’s say that you and your partner have made buying a house your big financial goal. Just talking about how you’d both really like that house isn’t going to help you get there. You need to know how much it’ll cost, what sort of saving strategy you’ll need to have for the down payment and, later, how that mortgage of yours actually works. If you both bring knowledge to the table, your financial conversations will be much less frustrating – and much more fruitful. The good news is that there are tons of resources out there to help you learn about how to manage your money. If you and your partner are both a bit clueless, consider making learning about personal finance the first financial goal you conquer together.
Compatibility
Love at first sight exists … but it doesn’t always last. The extra ingredient that keeps couples together is often simple compatibility. Because money is such a big part of many of the decisions couples will have to make together, financial compatibility is essential. That means finding a partner who shares your financial values. If you believe in saving for the future and ensuring you have a reserve fund for emergencies, a long-term relationship with someone who lives (and spends) in the moment with no thought for their (or your) financial future will be difficult for both of you. That doesn’t mean that you both have to have similar savings accounts for the relationship to be a success. Things like saving money, paying down debt, and investing are goals you can work on together – as long as you’re on the same page about what’s important. Just know that while income, investments and bank balances can change, financial beliefs and values run deep. If you understand the difference, you can determine whether you and your partner are a good financial fit, and start working together toward a better financial future.
And a little bit of independence
We’ve talked a lot about how couples can tackle their financial relationship, but a little independence counts too, especially for women. Several studies have shown that it’s women who tend to struggle the most financially following a divorce or breakup, often for many years. So whether you’re part of a couple or vowing to stay single, make better money management something you resolve to do for yourself. Relationships don’t always last, so when it comes to committing to someone for better or for worse, it’s best to have a solid financial plan of your own as a backup. It might not be romantic, but neither is income tax. It’s just something you gotta do.
For love or money?
A romantic might tell you that love and money shouldn’t have anything to do with each other, but while money won’t make a relationship, it can (and often does) break them. Finding a partner who’s a good financial fit is as important a consideration as any other. It doesn’t sound romantic, but it might just be money that makes for lasting love.
A leader in financial digital media, Golden Girl Finance is the modern woman’s guide to finance, making the discussion of finance real, relevant and relatable – and shockingly entertaining.